... To finish getting over you and to begin defining me :)
This weekend would be it. My wedding day -- 10.10.10. The day I was trying so hard to lose 100lbs for to look gorgeous in this beautiful dress:
Although I am not getting married , and I only made it to 751bs (unfortunately I've gained 10lbs back during the breakup,) I learned to make the following vows to myself which are worth more than any number on the scale.
1.) Do what you do for YOU and not anyone else.
When I first began the journey to losing weight, it was for K, not for me. Before he proposed, he would often say, "We need to lose weight because we don't want to be fat in our wedding photos."
Eager to marry the man I loved, I didn't see the many faults in this statement, nor it being a demonstration of an attempt to postpone committing to me because he knew how I wasn't really motivated to lose weight. Had I been following the advice I recently discovered at that moment, there would have been a good chance I would have seen the reality of our relationship issues two years sooner. I will say, though, that even though the original reasoning for losing weight was for him, in the end, the only person who has been truly satisfied is me.
2.) Life is a balance beam, and for every give, you have the right to take a little.
This is one life lesson that is extremely hard for me to put into action in any relationship. I am a nurturer, giver and pacifist by nature, but I love being spoiled and the center of attention as well. So it is definitely a source of inner conflict because it's hard to find the balance. This inner conflict can only be heightened when you find someone who doesn't understand the value of give or take and unfortunately that is the way it was with K and I.
One of the reasons that I hadn't been as successful as I would have liked at weight loss, was because he didn't understand the value of give and take all the time. We both wanted it all for me, seemingly. For me to work full-time, go to school full-time, come home and cook/clean, fulfill my volunteer commitments, to spend lots of time with each other and to lose weight. Obviously that all takes a little bit of time, and many times I would get calls/texts wondering when I was going to be home and why it would take so long to go to the gym and why I was spending time there. So, when I didn't have great results weight loss wise, I would get told to spend more time at the gym -- but yet he didn't want to give up his time, or my cooking time for me to do it. So it was this source of inner conflict back and forth for months until finally it ate me alive.
As I have been out of the relationship, I found his reasoning for this. As I was losing weight, I was slowly but surely gaining my confidence back in myself and was no longer as reliant on him for reassurance as when I began the weight loss journey. With this, he became threatened when I began questioning the small town settle down mentality and wanting to see the world, live elsewhere, and just to follow my dreams and not just his because I was comfortable and I needed him for reassurance. Which leads me to my next point of...
3.) Don't EVER let someones (negative) opinion of you become your opinion of yourself.
This has been pretty hard for me to accept because I wear my heart on my sleeve. My confidence throughout life has always been shaky, at it's best, which is the same for pretty much anyone who has had issues with fluctuating weight throughout their life. Often times, I've found myself finding myself conforming to what or who someone wants and not what is truly "me." All in the attempt to not be or "feel" like I am all alone.
The world changes a lot though, when you surround yourself with positive people. That is when I really began losing weight. I had people telling me how great I was for being ME (men and women) and not needing to hear what K (or any random guy I was attracted to) felt about me. It was also a huge turning point in realizing what K was really doing to my self esteem. I have always been outspoken and at least put up the front of being "confident" (though I seldom was!) Throughout the relationship, I became more and more quiet, not saying how I felt about situations, people, things. Letting myself be stepped on and really becoming a voice in the corner instead of in the limelight. There were other times he was critical of my looks, whether it be a hairstyle/color never being good enough, a shirt being too tight, loose, the wrong color, etc., not wearing heels, or being too dressy (or underdressed), and basically a lot of actions he didn't like or things I said that weren't ok. It was always something that wasn't good enough, but he loved me so I continued to conform and I would strive to be the perfect girl that he wanted. What I didn't notice though, is that throughout all of this I lost sight of "me." That is until I began to lose weight and realized, you don't need someone else to make your decisions for you.
There are a ton more things I could add, and probably will add after this weekend is over. No matter how hard this weekend is, I've already seen doors open, and my life begin to change. What I am vowing to myself is that on 10.10.10 I might not be walking down the aisle to marry K, but I am marrying someone many times more important. Myself. The vows above are for me to remember, and that there is no one that can take away my confidence or change the most important relationship I have. The one with myself.